Have you ever
not known what to do?
I never really know anymore;
not since it started to grow
inside my skinny frame
I used to know.
It was just me;
tight like a rubber band.
I can't have a baby pushing out
from between my hips
that space where the skin goes in
empty space between pelvic bones,
beautiful empty space.
It simply cannot,
It will not,
I will not let it fit.
I can't be fat
Not for nine months
Not ever, for anyone
How do I know
it won't stay;
I won't be fat
forever?
I told him today;
I told him that I couldn't
And he said oh good
He just couldn't take a life either
Couldn't kill a piece of me
A piece of us
Couldn't live with himself
I just nodded
How could he understand?
I couldn't live with myself
and someone else for nine months
couldn't live with a part of him inside
me
he would have me
Nine months is a long time
I can't give me up for someone else
not a man or a baby
Can't give it up
thinness I mean
Maybe when they suck it out,
it will all come out;
he will come out
out of me
on the sterile tiled floor
scattered with doctors' footprints;
in the bin with bloody sterile gloves.
And without it
the space between my hips
will grow deeper
more beautiful
He cannot understand
He will not
And I will tell him
I lost it
I'm sorry
and he will hold me and tell
me it isn't
my fault
It really isn't
I go alone
and the doctors see me and know
I cannot be a mother
I could not
My body, myself
thin
I am compressed and perfect
just enough for me and no one else
He doesn't even have me
Not enough of me to matter anyway
There's just enough for me
I lie on the cold metallic table
And I tell myself not to cry
Perhaps the cold metal,
the suction will make me
more compressed
perfect. |