For my money (and yours) there is little need for
a church that doesn't have practical application. Christianity, for
instance, gives us days off of school/work and something to laugh at.
Ditto for Judaism and America. But the Church of Least Resistance
aims for something higher: A DECENT EXCUSE.
And not just once in a while, either. Not just
for a few days of the year. No, the Church is THE ULTIMATE EXCUSE.
Take, for instance, this sample dialogue:
CAPITALIST: I need this report done by tonight.
I need you to do it.
WORKER: I can't.
CAPITALIST: Why not?
WORKER: It's against my religion.
CAPITALIST: That's the biggest bunch of shit
I've ever heard.
WORKER: You better not be opressing me, or
I'll sue.
CAPITALIST: What are you talking about?
There's no religion that holds as a belief the lack of effort!
WORKER: Yes there is. The Church of Least
Resistance.
(pause)
CAPITALIST: That's the biggest bunch of shit
I've ever heard.
WORKER (turning to co-drone): Did you hear
that? He insulted my beliefs!
CAPITALIST: I've never heard of the Church
of whoosits.
WORKER: You've never heard of hygine either,
but that's no reason to think it doesn't exist.
CAPITALIST: Oh, piss off. How many members
does it have? Three?
WORKER: Hey, just because it has less blind
followers than so-called "legitimate" religions doesn't mean it's any less
valid than other belief systems.
CAPITALIST: But you can't just claim something
is against your religion to get you out of doing work!
WORKER: Are you implying that I just "made
it up"?
CAPITALIST: Yes!
WORKER: Pft. Yeah, and believing that
a guy was killed and then brought back to life is any less ridiculous.
Look it up. It's on the web.
WORKER: Yes it does. It means I don't
have to write that report.
CAPITALIST: So you're not going to do any work?
WORKER: That is correct.
CAPITALIST: Well, then you're fired.
WORKER: Ah, but you would be firing me for
religious reasons, and my freedom to believe whatever hooey I want is protected
under the Bill of Rights, bitch. You fire me and I'll sue you from
here to Cleveland.
CAPITALIST: So...ergh!
WORKER: Go away now so I can play Quake.
See? It's THAT easy. And you can get
paid for this. Show up whenever you want, leave early, and if they
fire you, SUE. That's what the website is there for.
THE
CHURCH OF LEAST RESISTANCE: A RELIGION YOU CAN USE.
