Folio Four/Edition Five

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Freedom Track Eleven

Did you know it's over?
My bags are packed, sweetheart
I've got every memory we ever made tucked away in a boot box
And tomorrow morning I'm striking the match and burning it all to worthlessness
It'll all be dead and damned by the time I'm halfway across the country
I've got forty-eight bucks and the will of the gods to my name
So I can't lose
There's no more I'm Sorrys
There will be no more fucking I Love Yous
because it's over, babe
I wish I had time for a proper good-bye but my train leaves in twenty minutes
Send me off into the wild black yonder with a prayer for my prosperity and inner peace
If you think anyone's listening
Ask yourself where I am and what I'm doing the next time you're lying awake after midnight
Go ahead and wonder if I'm better off without you The answer will be yes, Babe, and it'll flash neon, superimposed on an image in your tortured mind






And all the time it flashes, I'll just be walking away
I'll walk so far away from you that my shoes will wear through
And then I'll walk a little farther to spite my tired feet that mistake return for relief
I'll walk the city streets, turning corners in an endless labyrinth like a nomad following the herd, until I don't know where I am
I'll walk country roads with my thumb stuck up indifferently incase some lonely no one wants to pick me up
I'll walk until I leave my train of thought twenty miles behind me
Twenty miles of pavement and journey and double solid lines
There's no more I'm Sorrys

There will be no more fucking I Love Yous
It's over, hon
I'm walking away and you can't stop me
Tell the family I went crazy
Tell our friends I ran off with the circus
Tell the police I heard voices and guitars and native steel drums in the middle of the night
Tell yourself it was your own damned fault
There's no more I'm Sorrys
Because I'm going
And I won't even send you a postcard or a prayer, darling
If parting is sweet sorrow then I guess I'm nothing but bitter
And you can tell yourself lies about me
You can say you didn't really love me and call me a worthless bitch and talk to yourself about all of my little faults that drove you up the wall
You can tell yourself all that next time you think you need a woman
There's no more I'm Sorrys
I've got my luggage and my courage, babe
And I won't be coming back.



(From Young Headhunters in Love)

blessed, then, are the quiet
for they shall inherit the Voice
press your wrists into darkness
press your mouth into light
and the meaning of meaning
the wonder of words
She'll look deep into you
and give you lily-white arms
with pencils in
clenched-up, come-hither hands
and say, "Now, write it down."

--Mandy Sturgil


When from our better selves we have too long
been parted by the hurrying world, and droop,
Sick of its business, of its pleasures tired
How gracious, how benign, is Solitude.

--William Wordsworth

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A Curtain of Green

After the silly proceedings of the calling hours, and the wake and the funeral, I was laid to rest in my hometown of Clinton, New York on February 26, 1995. I felt an odd sense of calmness as I watched myself being cried over at these pre-burial rituals, and had almost forgotten the undeniable fact that I was dead. Not unlike a dream, when you wake up right before you die, I have no recollection of just how or when I died. All I can remember is looking at my mom as she was poised ready to capture my flight off a cliff overlooking Corbet's Couloir, a trail at Jackson Hole, Wyoming where I was spending my President's Holiday Vacation. It was the last day of my seven day stay in one of the most challenging ski areas in North America, a fact I had chosen to forget. It had been sunny all week, and the conditions were perfect for my attempt. I knew that I probably could not make the twenty-foot cliff drop into the the Couloir, an avalanche chute less than ten feet wide, and on a sixty degree slope, but I never thought that the consequences of my foolishness would result in my death. As I looked at my mom that day, I saw mixed emotions in her face: happiness, excitement, and definitely fear. These first two emotions gave me the extra boost in confidence that I needed to complete my journey into one of the most difficult trails in the world. The adrenaline surged throughout my body; I pointed the board down the incline and smiled for the camera as I became airborne. I remember feeling the sun on my face, which had already been burned by its intense heat, and squinting to spot my landing, I heard people cheer, and the camera click, but already I knew something was wrong. There was an incredible feeling of dread and panic as I realized that I had built up too much speed, and would not land in the Couloir, but instead I would crash into its jagged rock side, and probably be badly hurt. I remember the rock getting closer and closer, and as I began to accept the inevitable I lost consciousness. I regained consciousness some time later, and felt very strange. My movements were slowed, and my vision was blurry. All I could think was that I was hurt and in a hospital. Then I heard a voice, "Relax, calm down, be natural, it will come with time, just let it." The voice was eerie, and seemed to echo within my head, instead of throughout the room as I would expect. My vision was getting steadily better, and I could distinguish shapes, bodies, people, and then finally, faces. To my horror, the first face I would see was my own, wearing a blank stare, and a large gash across its forehead. This startled me for a moment; the horror came back when I realized that I was not seeing my face

as a reflection, but rather as a separate entity, as if I was seeing through someone else's eyes. I felt out of place, like an outsider intruding into someone else's private world. I looked around the room and found myself to be correct, it was a hospital room, and I was the patient. I heard the flat line warning on the EKG monitor, a device that monitors a patient's heart rate, and thought to myself the flat line corresponds to no heartbeat! Suddenly everything meshed, it was as if there were still some part of me in my body that had not yet escaped, and my body's final breath had exhaled that last little bit of myself to make my spirit whole. Although I was now totally beyond life as I had known it, there was still some link between my spiritual self, and my physical body. I could feel my parents' tears rolling down my cheeks, and could feel them holding my hand; but it was a distant feeling, like the feeling of deja vu, slightly familiar, but still too far away to fully recognize what it was.

I followed my body from the hospital to the funeral home and then to the church, and finally here, to the graveyard. I was surprised at how well the workers at the funeral home had hidden the wounds from my fall, and also I was happy to see that I was being buried along with the half of my snowboard that my parents had found after my accident. When the lid was closed on my coffin, I moved as if to lie down in it, in my body. It felt so comfortable, as if I had re-established the link between my two entities. I lay peacefully, hearing the dirt being poured on top of my coffin, and began to realize that I could see into the beyond, past the coffin, past the green layer of grass that had been placed to cover up my grave, and past my world, and it was there that I saw the answers to all of my unanswered questions. At last I was comfortable, the curtain of green had been drawn, and once again I felt as if I was where I belonged.

--Chris Roach



Society's to blame
the little voice in my head
is muttering something
I can't understand it
I never do
nothing is clear
I cannot see
voice in my mouth
I struggle to breathe. . .

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my heart used to tell me
what to do
now it is silent
my actions are crude
dictated by
some unknown force
I don't think for myself
others are the source. . .

society now
controls my thoughts
I'm never alone
but what is the cost?
my independence?
my originality?
I'm part of a mob
I've sold my morality. . .

just a statistic
as the philosophers say
waiting for God
I can't seize the day
in the play of life
I have a minor role
but I can't change that
they have taken my soul.

--The Invisible Man


The tears he sheds are not his own,
He weeps for the race of man,
He weeps for sins that are not his,
Lost in eternity, he cries for us all.

He dances in darkness, his light is gone,
Stolen away long ago by the world,
Its coldness comforts him, chasing away pain,
He cries for us all, as he dances in the darkness.

He sings our loss away, our misery embodied,
All of our pains and hopes and dreams,
They all vanish into his song of madness,
He cries for all of us, in his madness and pain.



Lavender in my heart,
Will you be pretty?
Maybe if you surround us with your scent,
He would feel the same.
Open your soul,
Let him know.
But you lavender, are shy
Bid goodbye to your love,
Somehow forgotten,
Because he never knew


Twilight Confessions

I believe
some things are
and some things aren't
I believe
in things real
and things unreal
(swirling misty fantasies
courting dragons and fairies;
hard grey mundanity
with blacktop pavement and vinyl siding)
in infinity
and the finite limits of humanity
I believe
eternity is forever
and ends are all beginnings.
Filling my beliefs
(through the rainbow mists of pixies
and aluminum garbage cans
weaving infinity into the cloth
and shattering the glass sheets of forever)
between a circle's end and its beginning
and spiraling around grey paradox,
the core of legends: I know
Love is beyond reality.



The cleansing rain is falling
falling pure, cleansing, emptying,
wash me clean
--forgive me Father for I have sinned--
wash me clean.
Dance, I dance, an ode to the rain in form and motion
A physical song of thanks and sorrow
Dance a dance
A piece of cleansing and forgiveness
of repentance
I will do better
feel the rain on my back
I am being cleaned
feel it on my face, like tears of someone, forgiving
The rain will never end, the scrubbing grass beneath my feet will hold me forever and the sky is a three-dimensional pool of holy water straight from the eyes of God
Wash me clean
Forgive and forget
--Thank you, Father--

--Hunter Rose

"Eyes in the Dark" is published occasionally by:

The Editor

Writers --Hunter Rose, The Invisible Man, Shadow, Sparrow, Chris Roach, Ava, Vega, Darkstar, Kuroi Ayame, Quinn

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